You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
