alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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