Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
