I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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