home. puking in laundry basket.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
