Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
