I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
