@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
