It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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