i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
