a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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