what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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