I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
