It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
