If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
