do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
