I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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