out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
