I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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