I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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