her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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