so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize