you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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