What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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