Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
