I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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