my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
