my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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