All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
