Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
