What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
