dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
