It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
