what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
