Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
