The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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