Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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