I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
