Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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