If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
