Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
are you so shy because you have an std?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
