I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
