When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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