That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
