Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize