We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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