Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
