TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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