I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
