I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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