I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
