Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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