In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
