i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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