im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
