Don't make out with my wife yet
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
