Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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