operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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