ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
