My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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