Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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