i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
