She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
