I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
